ALICE in almost wonderland
by skullcandyeater
Summary: a modern day take on alice in wonderland. i hope you enjoy the bizarre world of wonderland


**Alice, parents and other realities enter the room. They are all dressed in black. Some are crying and others look shocked. They have just returned from a funeral of a family member (Alice's cousin.)**

Aunt: He was so young

**Busts into tears. Her husband goes over to comfort her.**

Uncle: why**? Sits down on the sofa**He did always have a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time

**Aunt sobs loudly**

**Alice paces around the small-overcrowded area looking highly agitated.**

Alice: I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE **runs out of the room/off stage**

**Alice enters**

Alice: I've got to calm down. **Looks at her desk and sees the plectrum her cousin had forgotten there last week. Picks it up.**Could it only be a week ago? **Puts the plectrum in her pocket. Sits down on the chair by her desk and opens her laptop.**I'll play a game that should take my mind off things. **Picks up a new game, removes the disk from the cover, puts it into her laptop and watches it start up. Runs her hands through her hair, takes a deep breath. **Lets go. **Laughs and hits the play button. **Look there's a cute little bunny on the game, I'll follow that.

**Room/stage goes dark Alice exits**

**Alice enters. The stage/room is dark except for one spotlight in the center. A white rabbit jumps across the beam of light followed by Alice.**

Alice: hello? Is anyone there? White rabbit why do you keep on running away from me?

**Alice and the rabbit exit**

**Alice enters. The stage/room looks a bit like a border control/airport. There is a caterpillar reclining behind the low desk on a couch while puffing smoke out of a hubba bubba.**

Alice: what is this? Have you seen a white rabbit?

Caterpillar: stop!

Alice: what?

Caterpillar: I said stop!

**Alice frowns and looks confused**

Alice: I don't understand

Caterpillar: just do as I say and stop

**Alice stops **

Caterpillar: welcome to the border control to Wonderland. Do you have any form of ID about you person?

Alice: where am I?

Caterpillar: Wonderland.

**Alice takes out her mobile**

Alice: no signal, I should have guessed

**Caterpillar takes her mobile phone and eats it**

Caterpillar: Do you have any form of ID about you person?

Alice: no?

**The caterpillar leans forwards narrowing his eyes.**

Caterpillar: that's great. Do you have any illegal substances about your person? Like JAM for example

**Caterpillar raises an eyebrow**

Alice: jam?

Caterpillar: YES. Such as Chutney, Confit, Conserves, Fruit butter, Fruit curd, Fruit spread, Jelly, Marmalade, Jam and other Fruit preserves

Alice: but why jam? Why is it so…. Illegal?

Caterpillar: because only the queen is aloud to make and own jam. She's the only one in the whole of the kingdom. **Caterpillar starts speaking more quickly and starts going red. **She stole them all away from us when she took over our peaceful land. SHE TOOK IT ALL AWAY FROM US. ALL OF IT. I CAN'T STAND IT FOR MUCH LONGER. **Slams hands down on the low desk in front of him. He takes a deep breath, returns to his natural colour and smiles at Alice. **So, do you have any illegal substances about your person?

Alice: why no. Of course I don't.

Caterpillar: empty your pockets

Alice: why?

Caterpillar: to tell that you are telling the truth.

**Alice turns her pockets inside out. Her cousin's plectrum falls on the floor. The caterpillar picks it up.**

Caterpillar: what is this?

Alice: it's a plectrum

Caterpillar: a plec-trum

**Caterpillar eats the plectrum.**

Alice: no! What the hell was that for? That's the only thing I had left of him. How could you?

Caterpillar: do you have a visa?

**Alice grits her teeth. **

Alice: no. Of course I don't have a stupid visa.

Caterpillar: that's okay. I'll issue you a one-day pass.

**Caterpillar gets out a piece of paper and stamps it and hands it to her.**

Caterpillar: take it

**Alice takes the piece of paper.**

Caterpillar: now fold it into a paper airplane

Alice: what?

Caterpillar: fold it into a paper airplane

**Alice folds the piece of paper into an airplane**

Caterpillar: now hand it back to me

Alice: but that's pointless

Caterpillar: just do as I say. Okay?

**Alice hands the airplane back to the caterpillar and to her surprise he ate it.**

Alice: why'd you do that?

Caterpillar: enjoy your stay.

**Caterpillar stands up and exits followed by Alice.**

**Alice enters**

Alice: hello? White rabbit?

**Reaches a signpost **

Alice: what's this?

**Points to one of the arrows**

Alice: the queen of hearts castle

**Points to another that is in the opposite direction.**

Alice: the queen of hearts castle. That makes no sense

**Postman enters**

Alice: hello who are you?

Postman: the postman and I have a letter for you.

Alice: please tell me you aren't insane like the other people I have met so far and please tell me you aren't going to eat anything of mine.

Postman: of course not.

**Postman hands her a letter. Alice grabs it**

Alice: you open this normally right? You don't have to eat it or anything weird like that?

Postman: err… No.

**Alice opens the letter and reads the contents**

_Duchess: dear reader or to whom it may concern, _

_I am writing to ask you to go and meet me at my house for some almost civilized tea, soup and juicy gossip. See you soon. Duchess PS THE BABY IS GOING TO LOVE YOU._

Alice: almost civilized tea? The baby? Where does she even live? And how come the signpost has two signs pointing in opposite direction but they still lead to the same place?

Postman: she lives down that lane there** points off stage **I'm so sorry but I have got to go **postman exits**

**Alice exits**

**Alice enters and starts walking across the stage towards the duchesses house.**

**Cat enters.**

Cat: whyyyyyyy hello there beautiful stranger.

**Cat rubs up against her**

Alice: just leave me alone I need to see the duchess. She might know where the rabbit is and how come the signpost has two signs pointing in opposite direction but they still lead to the same place.

Cat: weeeeeeelll you could aaallllways asssssk me?

**Cat raises an eyebrow**

Alice: well do you know?

Cat: weeeeeeellll I might do if you strrrrrrroke my tummy

Alice: no way. You probably don't even know

**cat lies down on the floor**

Cat: stroke my tummyyyyyyy

**Cat rolls onto it's back**

Cat: stoke my tummy

Alice: no

Cat: for god's sake just stroke my tummy

Alice: hell no. Now let me go to the duchesses

**Cat sits up quickly**

Alice: what's wrong

Cat: you sad the duchesses right?

Alice: yes, should that be a problem?

**Cat laughs**

Cat: that place is a mad house it's best you stay away from there

Alice: but where else will I go

Cat: with me

**Cat smiles**

Alice: no. I would prefer to go to a mad house than stay with you.

Cat: stay with me

Alice: no. Leave alone

**Alice exits.**

**Alice enters a mess kitchen**

Alice: hello? Is anyone there?

Duchess: why of course dearest Peterson!

Alice: what? My name isn't Peterson

Duchess: why should that matter? You are here at last. We have been waiting for you

Alice: we? Waiting?

Duchess: yes! Baby and me. Oh it's just so brilliant that you are here **Duchess is dressed in a filthy 1950s housewife costume. She holds out a pig with baby clothes on towards her. **Go on give him a cuddle

Alice: I would rather not

**The pig farts**

Duchess: why look the little baby is expressing himself! He is very musical you know **Alice looks in one of the pots on the stove. **Why darling! Why do you look at it in such disgust. It is just a pot of soup we have on for visitors

Alice: but I'm the only one here and I'm not much of a visitor


End file.
